10 reasons why you shouldn't 'DO IT' in complete darkness

When the Ugly Fat Guy (UFG) is left all alone, and is as horny as a dandy, he uses his keen sense of wit and comes with yet another list of ten things you shouldn't do... EVER!
There is however, a disclaimer, which I would prefer everyone to read (for legal purposes... Bah! The Constitution! Whatever!)

Disclaimer: Please note that you may continue reading only if you enjoy lewd remarks interposed tastefully amongst all the droll wit and overflowing sarcasm... And of course, provided you don't feel uneasy reading aloud the names of various sexual organs. You may however be glad there are no weird diagrams, which are NOT labelled. On a related note, I hate biology...
Most importantly, keep children below 14 away, because I assume 14 year olds know what I'm talking about...
And your parents too, if you can...
The bottomline is, I couldn't care less if you 'do it' in absolute darkness, but it does give me something to talk about...

If you just read and dissed the dis(s)claimer, you qualify anyway... So read on!

10 Reasons Why You Shouldn't 'DO IT' In Complete Darkness

Reason 1:
Because you don't want to ask him/her if he/she is a man/woman mid-way...
And moreover, the senses of touch/taste/smell/hear won't make any difference because;
"What you see is what you believe"...
And if the influence of alcohol causes your vision to be blurred even if you can see, it's time to discover your bisexual roots...


Reason 2:
When she goes down on him and doesn't come back up...
Or vice versa too...
(NOTE: This point coincides with the no.1 point on the other list: "Ten Reasons why hygiene is important when you 'DO IT'.
The other 9 reasons keep reminding you to have a bath...)


Reason 3:
When she goes down on him and slips out of the room...
Or vice versa too...


Reason 4:
Because everyone wants to avoid really weird conversations which might just change the way everything is going. Nobody wants to tell the other person which part of the bed they are on, which direction they have to move and where 'what' is...
Also, nobody likes to hear;
"Ummm... You're kind of sitting on my face..." OR
"Before you totally freak out, I'd like you to know, what you held now, was just my finger!"

Of course, on the flip side, you get to tell everyone at work the next day, how you almost got laid.


Reason 5:
When she ensures that the bedpost on the far left gets a lot of hot love and also makes sure it's well 'protected'... While you wait patiently on the other side...


Reason 6:
So that you don't wake up the next morning;
naked,
totally worn out,
utterly satisfied,
smiling,
and handcuffed to a bed in someone else's room...


Reason 7:
Because you do not want to discover that what you thought was lotion, was actually super glue...
Thankfully, your hands would be stuck together before you could get to doing anything further...


Reason 8:
Because scented candles don't really shed much light, but are there anyway to overpower bad smells such as sweat stains, to start with...
But they are in no way strong enough to overpower the smell of burnt hair...


Reason 9:
So that, when you two barge into the room;
She doesn't break her knee on a little table, thereby shattering a ming vase...
She doesn't get knocked senseless by the low ceiling...
And she doesn't get impaled on that giant lance your brother left carelessly about, when she jumps on the bed...


Reason 10:
Because lights help you sober up faster when you're hammered and don't know what the heck you're doing!
And more importantly, WHO you're doing...


While that sums it all up, you must also realise that she's not going to able to see that huge 6' life-size nude poster of Yasmine Bleeth, posing for playboy...

So you see... It's simple!
Stop reading stupid lists like these and just go about doing what you want... I don't care if you don't heed my warning...

All I ask from you, is that you give me that poster when you're dead and gone...

Signing out;
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