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Wednesday, January 17

Once tagged, Twice? Never again!!

Something/Someone(S): Oh well... You've been 'tagged'...

Me(M): Really? Have I? Are you sure?

S: Yes you idiot! Go look up Advitiya's blog if you don't believe me...

M: Oh alright... I believe you. Wait! Who are you?

S: I'm that little voice in you...

M: You're the one who makes me sing Nelly Furtado when I'm high?

S: No No... The other little voice. That tells you to be nicer than you already are. To be sensible and responsible and mature along with a lot other things that are nice.

M: err.. Okay! What are you doing here all of a sudden? I haven't seen or heard from you all my life!

S: Well. I'm not going to mince any words, nor am I going to sugar coat them, but it's come to obvious concern that you suck!


S: Yes... I expected that from you, you ignorant bastard... Anyway, I'm here to help you reform.

M: How?

S: Well, just read on...


(Why are they called resolutions? Do they even 'resolve' anything? Or let alone solve? Or let alone 'olve'? Okay... I went too far with that one...)

1. I will 'TRY' to be genuinely nicer to other 'PEOPLE' henceforth.
For example, if an old man sitting next to me starts, "You know, in 1962, when I was.... blah blah..." I will 'TRY' my hardest not to think: "Man! Why didn't you die last month? I'm sure your kids hate you... If you don't leave now, I'll stab you."

2. I will oblige with a smile. And a bow, for a hint of exaggeration.

"Look at what you did! You smashed right into my car!"
"Son of a b**ch! You're not going to get away with this!"
"What are you smiling like an ass**** for? Give me your license!"
(I'll try different adaptations and modifications of the routine for added effect)
"Are you mad?"
(I will also contemplate throwing a carefully aimed punch when he is least expecting it. Yes! You guessed right... Inbetween a smile & bow!)

3. I will grow my hair till it reaches my shoulders and beyond, this year! I'm tired of giving up when summer settles in. I am no longer going to be bothered if my hair becomes icky and loses colour because of all the humidity & sweat. It's a small price to pay to be able to pick lice, wear a hairband and remove knots from my hair. I am also dying to experience how unkept hair will bring out clumps from the root like in the advertisements on TV. Which reminds me... Visit me at your own risk because there's going to be hair on everything I own... And stuff I've borrowed from you.
I also hope to market my own hair-care products one day and use witty lines such as "Does your hair bristle with difficulties? Try our new product 'Hairum-Scarum' & you'll show all the women how sexy being bald is..."
Another work-able prototype; "Hey baldy! Having hair problems? Oops! Sorry... Relax now! Keep your 'hair' on... No need to flare up... We can be a little 'hare-brained' at times... Tee Hee."
Other witty recommendations are most welcome...

4. I solemnly swear to never be influenced by advertisements any more... I will not rush out & buy a product however hot the woman endorsing it is... That sexy purring voice will not win me over... I will no longer be distracted (& drift across the road) by large hoardings of Katrina Kaif in 'veet' adverts showcasing her legs (One of the many causes of road accidents). Now that I've made myself clear, I must confess I already feel a void and desperately need a Bacardi Mojito and a few of those dancing girls from the ad...

5. I'm going to 'TRY' to incorporate the 'sleep early - wake up early' routine. As crazy as this might seem for any nocturnal person, it is physically & morally wrong! We were never intended to stay awake when our side of the world turned dark. It's turned dark for a purpose! If God intended us to make merry at 2 in the night, he would atleast have given us some light...
Anyway, the temple being just 50 feet away from my house, I might as well rediscover my religious roots & visit it atleast once! I will defy all rules & wear jeans! And shock all the elderly women who come there early in the morning to pray for their families who in all probability will still be asleep...
(Can you believe the temple actually has a board that says people in shorts and jeans are not allowed? Hah! I'll show them!)
The fact that this blog was posted past midnight has to be excused! Okay? Take me to the Supreme Court if you want! Bah!

6. 'ATTEMPT' to live for an entire month in complete isolation... In a place where I will know nobody and have absolutely no means of communication! A kind of solitary confinement, because I'm kind of a 'solo' guy and I would love to find out if I could live upto my own expectations!
errr.. A TV cable connection wouldn't hurt though... :S

7. Hold 'sarcasm workshops' for government officials and other such retards who make people stand in queues all the time! I believe they possess the natural charm & wit for producing very sarcastic replies to queries because they're on the whole, insensitive and mean, not to mention painfully annoying...

- "Oh! You wanted me to send the money order to your sister in Belgium! Oh, I'm soooo sorry... It's now gone to Pakistan. I'm sure you're glad you made some kid happy. Oh well, that'll be 850 rupees"

- "You want to know if this is court room number 9? Oh not at all... The sign here is a fake! This is actually a fancy dress party where we all dress as lawyers, scream at the top of our lungs and throw slippers & chairs at each other..."

- "Oh! You want to meet the notary public officer? You really do? Don't kid now... Really?"

- "You are so lucky! The officer in charge just went 'some'where to do 'some'thing. Why don't you just stand around here for 'some' hours and if you're in luck you'll catch him today. I predict a fun filled day! Don't you agree?"

8. Act like you're really glad to do something which you absolutely loathe & would probably consider doing it only if it were the last thing on earth!

Advitiya, this message is meant especially for you from the absolute bottom of my heart. I can't tell you in words or actions how much I loved to write this post. I'm filled with an undescribable ecstasy. I can feel little bubbles of joy exploding within myself. I'm on a high and I haven't felt this way since I last inhaled petroleum fumes. I feel like cascading in a multitude of cartwheels, but alas!! I can attempt only 2 at a time... However, I will forever cherish this moment, bestow my deepest gratitude and forever be indebted to you for giving me the power of self-realisation for, I feel like a much better person already...

9. Never EVER come up with a list of 10 resolutions because it really doesn't matter in the end.
I'd like to see you keep up ATLEAST one of your resolutions.


M: You know what? I really don't give a shit... If I swore to fight for poor starving kids in Somalia, I'd have actually given it a good thought. But your list just bores me to death! Not to mention how drab & impossible it sounds.

S: What? I thought it was pretty decent. You ungrateful wretch!

M: Oh scram! Back to where you came back from... I know how to get rid of you... I'll drink shitloads & sleep it off...

S: 'I'm like a bird... hummm... hummm...' (Really bad rendition of Nelly Furtado's 'I'm Like A Bird')

M: Holy Cow! It WAS you!!!

*fade out to sounds of a scream... Like someone just got stabbed*


Blogger Schmetterling said...

You're funny :) And I'm sure you've been told that before . But as a first time visitor, am glad I visited !!

Thu Jan 18, 08:46:00 AM  
Blogger Da Rodent said...

Dress code for a temple?? Thats hilarious. Where is this temple??

Man., we had a dress code for a stupid restaurant back in college.. LOL

Thu Jan 18, 10:30:00 AM  
Blogger rini said...

Lol this is some writing.. i know wat you mean by resolutions never being resolute..
the bit abt hair was something..if u do ever let your hair grow do post a pic ..hehe
and oh u have to do the workshop for govt officials they definitely need it..lol
oddly i was listening to all good things.. wen i started reading ur post..
so do the little voices keep humming songs from any other artists or is nelly the only lucky one!! :P

Thu Jan 18, 12:15:00 PM  
Blogger Parvathi said...

this is called wolarifying on a large scale
do u HAVE to talk so much :p
Shit..if you do my tag, it'll go on for PAGES!

Thu Jan 18, 03:53:00 PM  
Blogger Anki said...

Now now now young man... u seem have stopped going down the dark tunnel.. but seriously am i supposed to buy this list ..as evidence of quality sarcasm... tsk tsk tsk... u continue to dissapoint ... long hair... katrina's legs... pretending that wearing jeans to a temple is the ultimate act of defiance... how much more predictable can you get... Prof of sarcasm... looks like u graduated from our rotten govt. aided educational shit-pots.
Btw this is positive crticism

Thu Jan 18, 07:57:00 PM  
Blogger Advitiya said...

A very interesting post... I must say I'm glad to know they're more of me..! You're insane too!

Now, I must say these are very unusual resolutions... Though I love no.8
"I'm on a high and I haven't felt this way since I last inhaled petroleum fumes."
Oh stop it...you're embarassing me! You really know how to make a girl blush...*giggle*

PS. Thank god you know about that annoynig-voice-in-my-head-thingy!
Mine keeps singing B.C.Suttah at the most inappropriate moments! I once sang it in front of an aunt!

PPS. Lemme know if you figure out how to get rid of it or even change the song!

Fri Jan 19, 02:23:00 AM  
Anonymous jan said...

Ah... pretty entertaining resolutions, I must say! But i think every guy should let his hair grow. Then perhaps there'll be a little more sympathy towards us women who are forced to let the long lovely locks grow for nonsensical reasons like, "Ayyooo... No guy will even look at you if you look like a BOY!" Lol...

Oh and I found it interesting that you said you were influenced by ads to buy products... and then you mention veet... er? hmmm? ;)

Sat Jan 20, 08:45:00 PM  
Anonymous jan said...

Ah... pretty entertaining resolutions, I must say! But i think every guy should let his hair grow. Then perhaps there'll be a little more sympathy towards us women who are forced to let the long lovely locks grow for nonsensical reasons like, "Ayyooo... No guy will even look at you if you look like a BOY!" Lol...

Oh and I found it interesting that you said you were influenced by ads to buy products... and then you mention veet... er? hmmm? ;)

Sat Jan 20, 08:46:00 PM  
Blogger kyra said...

and these are the best resolutions i've heard of in my lifetime. may god bless all those who wish to take them up.

Fri Jan 26, 12:10:00 AM  
Anonymous sups said...

My dear wannabe metrosexual
So u think growing ur hair will have all the chicks runnin after u??
Dream on.

My dear wannabe nice guy..why ru trying to be something ur not?? lololol

My dear smirkyboy..
will u truly try to smile? :P

Ok sarcasm workshop and attempting to live alone would be nice.We'll miss u..when are u leaving? lol ;)
and send me your address..i will mail u sleeping pills cuz i dnt think you'l be able to sleep early without them :D
Sure would looove to see u religious hehehe imagine u in a temple wearing a south indian lungi and shirt with checks and tht white tika on ur forehead..Perfect :D coconut boy lol
funny as always...perfect resolution for u wud be to be non sarcastic for an entire week!

Tue Jan 30, 04:46:00 PM  
Blogger The Hermit of Wandering Thoughts said...

Well well.. the spare is here.. I was wondering where did you squirrel off to..

so now I know..

Mon Feb 05, 08:52:00 AM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ schmetterling -
Awww.. Thanks! :)
(I've heard it before, yes! Lol..)

@ da rodent -
The temple is in Adyar.. Pretty famous one too..

@ rini -
Well.. Nelly just happened one time.. I normally sing along with any music playing.. Even if I don't know the words.. and EVEN if there are NO words.. Lol..

@ Suchi -
I'm not doing your tag.. So there!

@ anki -
Your criticism was very constructive.. I feel like a new man already!
Anyway, on a compeltely different note, your level of swearing needs to improve.. Ahem..

Fri Feb 09, 04:07:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ advitiya -
Yes.. I know how to make a girl blush.. I can make ppl feel terribly uncomfortable and embarrassed.. Lol..
Give my love to your aunt by the way..

@ Jan -
Hahaha!! I guess it's out in the open.. Yeah.. 'veet' is very good!! Damn! They should've got me to endorse it! Though, I think Katrina Kaif waxed her legs and pretended to use veet, the bitch! :P

@ Kyra -
Amen to that! May God really bless them for they're gonna have to go through hell!!
And I see this is your first visit.. So, hi!! :)

@ Sups -
I'd hate to break it to you, but you are NOT FUNNY!! :)
Thank you, come again!

@ Zofo -
Ah yes! We meet again...
I guess 'going incognito' is really difficult when you're very popular.. Haha..
Glad you found me anyway.. Your turn to hide.. :)

Fri Feb 09, 04:13:00 PM  

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