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Sunday, November 12

Fly... Fly... *SWAT* (stupid bledy slapstick jokemaker)

*crackle*

*hiss*

*beep*


"Good afternoon. This is your captain speaking. Welcome aboard flight A-616.

We're right now cruising at an altitude of.... errr...
Aah! Found it!

32,000 feet and we're flying.. errr..
Pretty slow..
You see, the co-pilot had stale Tandoori chicken & I can't push these rusty thrusters single-handedly. So, because we're flying at half our speed, we'll probably be twice as late. Don't worry.. The delay in time is directly proportional to the amount of time the co-pilot spends in the little girls' room, which, by the way is the restroom to your right, lest you step inside and die of asphyxiation.

Anyway, as I was saying... please co-operate with our air-hostesses. We're terribly understaffed already as two of our best stewardesses had to visit the emergency room today because of a heart attack induced by high cholesterol and plain old age.
I'd also like to issue a warning that if any of the passengers get frisky and try to paw any one of our 'mature' airhostesses, they'll have have to deal with me first...
Yes... In private...

In my umm... Private cabin...
mmhmm...
Oh yeah...

*cough*
ahem...

As we're cruising at a very high altitude, I'd advise everyone to stay at their seats and not try to jump out of any of the broken windows while we play the evergreen famous 'Hum Aapke Hain Koun' which was a superhit in 19... errr...
I don't quite remember... Anyway, it was fuckin famous back then okay? A few international delegates who travel frequently with us know the dialogues by heart and only 4 of them have died so far...


Also, please pay attention when the stewardess comes around asking for what you'd like to have for dinner. A small in-flight secret I'd like to share among you. Always ask for the burnt Chicken Wings instead of the Grilled Sandwiches as they're poisonous.

If you're asleep when they come around asking you, you're as good as dead... Which I'd say you already are, choosing this airline in the first place...


And now, we move on to the main security instructions...

Oh come on!
You know the drill...

Those emergency doors on either side... To open them you gotta... Oh come on! The instructions are written over there... Read 'em yourself!
Anyway, the rest, you know... yada yada... blah blah...

& ONE very important thing! Do not bother the air hostesses unless it's a dire emergency. Like if someone is running amok brandishing a firearm...
Which is likely, coming to think of it, considering the lax security...

However, we do not encourage complaints such as, "the 'fat lady' next to me is pushing me off my seat." We are also not going to accept claim that you saw advertisements for the airline where the seats looked king-size. We used midgets for the ad...


Anyway, I hope I've summed up all you needed to hear about our flight to Tokyo, Japan...
We should be reaching our destination early tomorrow morning at... errr...

No... No... Hold on there...
IF we've left today, we should've gotten there yesterday! No... No... That's not quite right...
If we left yesterday, we'd reach today... Nope... Not that either...

Japan is 1... 2... 3... Oh darn I lost count... Now how many hours is it forward by? Or wait...
IS it forward or backward in time?

So, if we left Delhi at 12 p.m...
No! Come on! Let us be realistic. Which plane ever leaves on time? So, after considering an hour extra to wait for the crew to make it through the traffic to the airport...

And that bathroom call that took ages! I think it took exactly 46 minutes... Which reminds me... Don't anybody visit 'Pyarelal ka Dhabba'!
Ok... So that one hour and 46 minutes... And the delay in baggage transport because the boys were playing rummy...
Now the average speed of the baggage carrier is roughly around 24 kmph carrying around 40 individual pieces of luggage of various shapes & sizes. Now, if we consider each suitcase/bag to weigh an approximate 14 kilos, the speed of the baggage carrier will reduce relatively. The distance from the baggage clearance to the plane's cargo hold should be roughly 2 km. Of course, I must also take into consideration the time wasted when the baggage car
rier driver and the runway inspector shared a passionate discussion about why Saurav Ganguly should be kept on the team...


Oh! Why am I even bothering! I failed math all my life!
Which goes to show, children, that you don't have to study hard to make it big in life. Just sleep around a lot and tell your parents to stick it! You just listen to your captain 'uncle' and you'll go a long way...


Anyway, passengers... I think I'll stop boring you now & let you get on with the movie...

Thank you all for listening to me and I'd also like to let you know that since I've been doing everything but flying the plane, we're miles off course and maybe you should call your loved ones to share a heart-to-heart last conversation...

I hope you all make your call... Haha! Make your call! Get it?

Oh wait... I just realised... I don't think your networks will work because we're underwater...
Oops!
That's one big blooper right there! Haha... Anyway, cheerio and all that jazz..."


*click*


*buzz *
*crackle*

"Oh wait! I almost forgot to tell you all the most important thing...
Thank you for flying Air India... Come again!"

*click*

20 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You are a talented writer.

Sun Nov 12, 11:45:00 PM  
Anonymous sup said...

Welcome to Ishtaaar News, I'm Santa Singh, the headlines for today are:
Air India has decided to sue Chennai based Mr. Arvind Ramesh also known as Prick or Erwindy on grounds of defamation. Mizter Arvind was also apprently involved with one of the flight's stewardess, who goes by the name of Babe. We are still trying to track down a particular Babe who fits the description.
The mathematics Department of the University of Thalamahagjukhri has also accused mizter Ramesh of misrepresenting data. We are not sure why they are doing it, but we re trying to get the Departmental head for comments very soon.
Also the other Airlines-Kingfisher, Deccan, Spice Jet, Sahara have been deeply disturbed by Mizter Ramesh's action- they fear they will be his next target. We have Mizter Mallya speaking live from his air conditioned horse stable in Bombay-
Mizter Mallya..Mizter Mallya...
I'm sorry but we could not contact mister Mallya as one of his Arabian horses had a sudden gas attack and has been rushed to London's Vet. Hostipal..
We now move on to the sports news.....


LOL

Mon Nov 13, 12:13:00 AM  
Anonymous sup said...

no honestly it was damn funny :) :P

Mon Nov 13, 12:16:00 AM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ Saren - Thanks a lot.. Your blog rocks too..
Do drop by again...


@ Sups - LOL!!!
You're funny girl... I liked the "University of Thalamahagjukhri"..

Ahem...
& as for the 'babe', there are plenty of flight attendants I've fooled around with, me being very hot & sexy of course.. LMAO.. How else do u think I'd get so much info? :D

Cheers!

Mon Nov 13, 12:18:00 AM  
Anonymous Mehnaz said...

um sorry..i think i took a wrong turn somewhere...
this blog was hilarious and reminded me of someone i knew aeons ago...
but now he is a retired comedian and believes in the mundane and would't know funny if it did a moonwalking session with a character from southpark in front of him...
but as long as i am here..lmao ...and did you actuallly say flying air india in the end?? don't you mean riding it?? it usually never takes off!!what with delays and technical malfunction my ass...must be the pyarelals dhaba shop doing its job..[:D]..ORRRRR as sups said the arvind character must have made off with the entire troupe of "babes"
anyways if you do meet the prick..tell him he should "bledy" learn more from you..
up up and yawayyyyy....

Mon Nov 13, 08:12:00 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

there are people out there who actually think you're funny and talented.what is the world coming to!

Mon Nov 13, 09:14:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ Mehnaz -

Well.. I gave careful consideration to the fact that they suck.. Why do I need to assert whether it's 'flying' or 'riding' or.. anything for that matter of fact??
Anyway, have you taken off already?? Pheww.. :P
The Prick sends his regards by the way.. He asked me to personally give you this msg.. "Up Yours!!" :P

Mon Nov 13, 09:45:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ Parvathi -

Well... Apparently you missed out the part where I'm very seski and get all the 'babes'..
Anyway, although you rifled through my comments, I must say... I'm sure you broke into a teeny smile as you read that post.. Your ego is just way over your head.. Or you'd have thought I was funny..
(I'm beginning to think I have ego issues now.. Tsk.. Tsk..)

Anyway, as long as you had as much fun reading the blog as you did in filling that comment out, I'm more than satisfied..
Thank you, come again! :D

Mon Nov 13, 09:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

You've got a nice blog here. Hilarious post. You write well...

Mon Nov 13, 11:56:00 PM  
Blogger Sowmiya said...

Dude when did you start writing soo well??? And why can't it be the little boy's room and the fat MAN next to me is pushing me off my seat??? Viva Feminism!!

(Going through high levels of stressful study patterns which induce remote weirdness and a great instinct to protect the meaning of being a woman)...I have lost it?!?

Tue Nov 14, 03:56:00 AM  
Anonymous Rama said...

funny stuff da....!!! "i cant push the rusty thrusters single-handedly....." lol....!!!.... & "come again"...???!!! LMAO...!!!:p....

well.... i've gone thro that experience once.... NIGHTMARE...!!!

cheers!
Keep writing...

Tue Nov 14, 11:06:00 AM  
Blogger Anki said...

hmm...i m too numb...wen one has to endure international budget carriers....AIR INDIA becomes the elusive business class

Fri Nov 17, 10:50:00 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Now there's a true account of Air India .You speak from experience, I assume :)

Wed Nov 22, 05:37:00 PM  
Blogger farustar said...

lol...

Tue Dec 05, 11:04:00 PM  
Blogger Da Rodent said...

LOL., that was hilarious. :D

Thu Dec 07, 10:26:00 AM  
Anonymous sup said...

k u need to update

Thu Dec 07, 03:54:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ advitiya -
Thanks!! Hope you'll drop in more often...


@ Sowmiya -
:)
I don;t know when the writing bug bit me.. But I'd rather make maximum use of it before it's all gone right??
& It's not feminism.. It's a pitiful excuse for extremism.. :P
Please don't bomb me.. Lol..

Wed Dec 13, 02:14:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ Rama -
My hearteflt condolences to you in that case.. Lol..
I believe everyone has to suffer through something as traumatic as this once in a while.. Hehe..


@ anki -
It's not like their sister/brother concern (IA) is faring wonderfully among domestic carriers.. It's quite elusive too.. Well..
Like brother, like sister.. :P

Wed Dec 13, 02:17:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ just me -
Nope.. Your presumptions are incorrect I'm afraid.. It isn't from experience.. But it's more of tales of torture I've heard from some people I know...
I think a few of them told me they prefered concentration camps.. Lol..


& Farah -
Do NOT tell me you don't have time to type out more than 3 letters!! X-(


@ Joe - Yes.. Wish I could say the same about your blog.. You're suffering from some weird permanent depression... Lol.. (Is that where the alcohol comes in handy?? ;) )

Wed Dec 13, 02:20:00 PM  
Blogger Arvind said...

@ Sup -

UPDATED!!!! :D

Wed Dec 13, 02:20:00 PM  

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